<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Involuntary Reactions by Girlwithholesin</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24391189">Involuntary Reactions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlwithholesin/pseuds/Girlwithholesin'>Girlwithholesin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Terex is a monster [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bed-Wetting, Humiliation, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Pre-Poe Dameron/Finn, Rape Recovery, Shame, eating issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:55:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24391189</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlwithholesin/pseuds/Girlwithholesin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is safely home but Poe is not recovering as well as anyone might like. </p><p>I think I have ideas for further stories in what is now becoming a series. So. That's a thing. Recovery is a slow process and the comfort in this isn't a thing Poe knows how to accept right now. </p><p>Also honestly I am a sucker for hurt so I think there will be more of that in future installments.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Poe Dameron/Terex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Terex is a monster [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761241</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Involuntary Reactions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn't as awful as he had feared. Not at first anyway. Upon arrival at the abandoned moon base Jannah had assisted him out of his X-Wing. She couldn't quite avoid wrinkling her nose as she did so and he could have done without either the pity or the questions in her gaze. The sheer relief at finding her and the others exactly where Terex had said they would be, unharmed and honestly in a far better state than he was helped. As did the fact that Jannah let it drop when he promised to explain later. </p><p>Finn and Rey were due to arrive minutes after he had and since their missing people hadn't been contactable there was a degree of organisation needed before they could be gotten safely home. Jannah took point on that meaning Poe could find somewhere quiet, out of the chaos and away from the occasional stare to wait for them. Since he could only walk a few steps and those only by gritting his teeth and blinking back tears of agony no one really expected him to do much of anything. </p><p>So he waited and tried not to let his nerves get the better of him. Finn was angry, that much he knew. His fellow General's words had been short and clipped when Poe had made contact to give him the co-coordinates and give him a quick run down of the situation. Not angry that the rescue operation would be over sooner than anticipated of course but angry with Poe, for doing something so reckless and without even discussing it first. </p><p>Poe shivered, worried about Finn's reaction when they saw each other. He hadn't gone into any detail about what Terex had done to him, hadn't even mentioned that he was injured. Who knew how his friend would react to the state he was about to find Poe in? Poe knew him well enough to understand that just because Finn was angry with him right now didn't mean he wasn't also worried. He was bound to ask what had happened and how he was coping with it. Poe still didn't have an answer when the Falcon came in to land. </p><p>Perhaps fortunately there really wasn't time for an in depth interrogation. Everyone wanted to get back to the base on Ajan Kloss as soon as possible. Rey took him in with one look, shook her head and proclaimed him an idiot with just enough affection in her tone to take the sting out of her words. If she noticed the flinch when she leant in for a hug she was kind enough not to mention it, just resting her hand briefly on his arm and stepping back, throwing a quick worried smile over her shoulder when she left to help Jannah get everyone moving.</p><p>Which left him and Finn alone. The younger man reached for him, concern and irritation clearly warring in his expression. </p><p>"Don't."</p><p>Finn hesitated, a frown on his face. "Don't what? Don't yell at you for doing something so stupid? Don't be happy to see you? Don't want Poe?"</p><p>"Don't touch me right now. I'm... I'm filthy and we don't have time and..."</p><p>Finn took a step back, raking his gaze over Poe from head to toe and the look of sudden sympathy made Poe want to scream. The way the anger softened.</p><p>"You OK man? You injured?"</p><p>All Poe could hear was the question no one had dared ask him yet, the one thing no one was mentioning despite the way he smelt, the tell tale damp patches and stains on his trousers.  He swallowed back the burst of shame long enough to answer, though he couldn't stop the way his cheeks blazed with it. </p><p>"Nothing that won't heal."</p><p>"Poe..."</p><p>"Lets just get everyone back OK? We can debrief when we're all home safe. You can even yell at me. As much as you like OK Buddy?"</p><p>Its no OK but its the only plan that works for Poe so its what they do. With something to focus on and that first reunion out of the way he finds it easier to breath. His inability to really help gets to him. If he could carry something, join in the banter covering the release of tension at freedom, kriff if he could just walk across the hangar that would be better. Hovering at the edges trying to stay out of the way, trying to evade notice, desperate to hide the evidence he is literally wearing of the degradation he suffered at Terex' hands is hard but its not as hard as he feared. </p><p>He finds some peace in arguing over the best route home with Rey. In asking Jannah to help him back into his X-Wing so he can programme the flight plan home. He tries not to see the hint of hurt in Finn's eyes that it wasn't him Poe went to. It should have been Finn - he's not close to Jannah. They still haven't worked through the awkwardness of their first meeting. He can't let Finn get to him yet though. So he insists on flying himself home, rejects his attempts to offer assistance because he knows the second he lets Finn lay a hand on him, get that close to him everything he is trying not to think about will come crashing in. </p><p>He needs to be a Resistance leader right now, guiding them home. There isn't time for him to showcase how broken he feels. How its taking everything he has to be still when all his body wants to do is shiver through the after effects of days drugged, tremble with remembered touches. Finn, his best friend and the person he trusts above all others will get to see all of that later. Just not now.</p><p>All he wants to do when they land is get to a 'fresher. Clean himself up. Change. To drop the fragile mask that's already ragged around the edges, the confidence he once wore so easily. He can't. He can't even get out of his X-Wing unaided and he certainly can't go anywhere alone. Not unless he wants to crawl. The thought makes him sick to his stomach. </p><p>This time it is Finn who comes to help him, the stubborn set to his jaw making clear that he's past done with Poe's nonsense. </p><p>"Everyone else is fine. So. I'm taking you to med bay, where you can get cleaned up and changed. Then we're going to talk."</p><p>"I don't need..."</p><p>"Yeah, your decision making hasn't exactly been great lately Poe and you can't walk so if I say med bay I mean it."</p><p>Its hard to argue. Pointless. Finn can take him where ever he likes because Poe can barely stand even leaning against him. He isn't getting anywhere by himself. He's next to helpless, dependant on whoever deigns to help him. The realisation might have brought tears to his eyes but he can't tell past the way his breath is catching in his throat, panic choking him. </p><p>"Poe? Poe breathe!"</p><p>Strong arms catch at him, sliding around his shoulders and then his knees as Finn lifts him. </p><p>"D-don't! I-I smell and..."</p><p>"I don't care. I've got you, OK? You're gonna be OK."</p><p>Poe can't help but doubt that. He doesn't have the energy to fight with Finn right now though. In fact he's struggling to keep his eyes open, his head raised. So he stops trying, lets himself relax physically into Finn. He's too out of it to care how many people are getting to see him like this. Can feel the wet patch against Finn's shoulder where his tears are falling. By the time they reach the new med bay and Kalonia's grim expression Poe is whispering "I'm sorry" on repeat and even he can't tell what it is he's apologising for. </p><p>The next two days pass in a haze. Its hard to keep track of what the doctor tries to tell him. He knows he asks multiple times if he remembered to tell Finn that they might have spies in their ranks. He can't seem to recall the answer. Kalonia gives him something for the pain and hooks him up for liquid feeding when he can't seem to keep food down. The reassuring beeps of his droid provide a continuous backdrop. Mostly he sleeps. </p><p>Three days later he's fully conscious and clear headed for the first time since the huge adrenaline crash following his return. Rey and Rose fill him in on their attempts to uncover anyone working with or for Terex. Finn sits by his bedside whenever he isn't needed anywhere else. His anger seems to have cooled, his concern has not. </p><p>"I get it. I do. You know I've done my fair share of stupid impulsive things to try and save people. I just... You need to be less reckless with yourself Poe."</p><p>"Hey, it worked didn't it? Everyone's back in one piece. No harm done."</p><p>Laying there, the lie almost feels true. He expected to feel worse but physically he's not so bad. Whatever it was Terex had pumped him full of has cleared from his system, he was well fed during his captivity and whilst he's still tired a few days of rest have done wonders. Sure his feet still hurt but he can move about on his own now with barely a limp and bacta gel has healed the worst of it. Absolutely no one has mentioned the fact he wet himself. Various people have stopped by to check in on their "hero" thanking him for the rescue. That seems to be the official story. </p><p>As Terex himself had predicted, their time together feels dream like. Unreal. Its easy enough to ignore, like it never even happened. At first. </p><p>Sometimes he catches Finn watching him, thoughtful. Noticing things that Poe himself is only half aware of. Like the way he sometimes goes still at meal times, staring at the food on his fork like he can't quite remember what to do with it. Or the way he leaves a lamp burning when he retires for the night. How he never sits for long unless there is something holding his attention, distracting him from the way setting in a chair feels somehow odd now. So sure, maybe it will take a bit longer before he fully heals from his time away but mostly he's OK and even with the war won turning a rag tag resistance into a political movement is no easy task. Life moves on and its full of distractions, greater priorities to hold his focus. </p><p>Weeks pass and if anyone asked - Finn stops asking but he watches even more closely than before - Poe would say he was fine. He is. As long as its daylight. As long as he's busy. At night its a different story. </p><p>Even keeping a light on he's struggling to sleep. They're still bunking down in tents though as people begin to transition back to civilian life there is more space so at least he has one to himself. The fold out camp bed is nothing like the comfortable spacious bed Terex had. None the less he finds it hard to settle, the softness of the mattress feels wrong. The blankets stifle him. The pillow a comfort he isn't sure he wants. In recent days he's taken to curling up on the floor, making himself as small as he can squeezed into the space between the bed and the trunk that holds most of his belongings. </p><p>Food is another thing he's started having difficulty with. If he eats on the move, grabbing a protein bar to snack on as he moves around the hangar working on the star fighters or running numbers with Kay its not too bad. He's not really thinking about eating, it just happens reflexively. Sitting down for an actual meal? That he can't do. He starts to sweat as soon as he sits, he's fighting the urge to retch as soon as he takes a bite. Even drinks are hard to swallow down when he's thinking about it. So he avoids putting himself in that situation and even so it isn't enough because he can tell that he's started to shed weight. If anyone else notices they keep it to themselves but he catches Finn staring at him, expression troubled. </p><p>There's a message sitting unlistened to on his holopad. Dr Kalonia. When she discharged him she recommended he speak to someone. He hasn't. He knows that's a mistake but he can't seem to fix it. Instead he keeps going, every day fighting just a touch harder to pretend that Terex is just a bad dream he can forget with enough effort. Its a losing battle and part of him knows it, he's just not ready to admit it yet. </p><p>So he carries on. He showers first and last thing at night, taking longer than he should. The water as cold as he can tolerate it and powerful enough to drown out the sound of the sobs he only lets himself indulge in here. The feel of his own hands running a rough cloth over his body sends him crashing to his knees, arms wrapping tightly around himself. </p><p>Along in his tent he doesn't just sleep on the floor, he starts living down there. Crawls from the table to the clothes chest to where ever he set his holopad down. He sits on his knees and tries not to think about why that's the one place he can seem to settle with any comfort. </p><p>BB sulks when he snaps at him - more often than he should - and spends the rest of his time either avoiding him or trying to cheer him up. Rey breaks the news that they can't find any evidence of a spy. Maybe that was just another one of Terex' mind games. Poe wouldn't put it past him. If his goal was as he claimed to break Poe then he's done a good job. It feels like eyes are on him every second so he hides out in his tent as much as he can. Sends BB away when for the third night in a row he's woken from half remembered horrors by his droid's concern. Rey is heading out for a while and Poe sends BB with her, trying not to feel guilty at the sad tilt to his dome. </p><p>The first night completely alone without even BB for company he doesn't wake from his nightmares. Instead he stays stuck in them for hours and when he does wake his throat is raw, his pants are sodden and he's pulled out a chunk of his own hair. Curling in on himself he doesn't even move to get changed, to grab his stuff and head to the 'fresher. Instead he sits there and weeps. He IS broken and the time when he can't hide that has finally caught up with him. Finn finds him there hours later, still in his soiled sleep wear and too dizzy with exhaustion and a lack of food to stand if he wanted to. </p><p>"Oh Poe. You ready to talk to me now?"</p><p>He shakes his head. Its not even a denial. He just doesn't know where to start, how to start. As if understanding Finn sighs, doesn't push. When he moves to offer Poe a hug Poe scrambles away from him. </p><p>"D-don't. Don't touch me. I'm disgusting."</p><p>"No. You're not. Poe."</p><p>This time when Finn reaches for him he makes himself stay still, shaking as those powerful arms wrap around him and pull him close. It feels like coming home. He and Finn have been tactile since they first met. Always trading casual touches, tight hugs, playful pushes. Here is the comfort Poe has longed for yet he can't quite accept it. Can't let himself relax into it as he would have done once. It feels like home but he finds himself glad that his tears have finally dried. That he's angled away from Finn enough that his dirty trousers can't dampen Finn's. Like if those little evidences of how ruined Poe is were to touch Finn he would be tainted too. </p><p>"Talk to me. Please? What did he do to you?"</p><p>"Its not what he did. Its... Its me. What I..."</p><p>"What he made you do?"</p><p>He remembers how he begged. The hand in his hair that had so disgusted him at first but which had ended up feeling soothing. The soft touches he had gone from hating to almost craving. The hand that oh so tenderly brought him off as he drifted to sleep. Its too much so he pushes Finn, hard. Managed to get away from him a moment before the revulsion he feels drags up the meagre contents of his stomach. </p><p>"Kriff. I-I'm sorry buddy. I'm a mess."</p><p>Poe would have given a lot to let to be able to send Finn away. He didn't want anyone to see him like this and especially not Finn. Not someone whose good opinion mattered as much as his did. At the same time he couldn't imagine anyone else who could make him feel as safe as Finn's presence did. Anyway, sending Finn away wasn't an option. The lack of sleep and how little he had been eating had finally laid him low. There was no way he could get up without help.</p><p>So he allowed Finn to wrap a blanket around his shoulders, pull out some clean clothes and then pull him gently to his feet. Tolerated his friend guiding him through the quiet pre-dawn to the 'freshers. </p><p>"Think you can get yourself cleaned up?"</p><p>Poe closed his eyes as he shook his head. He wasn't sure how he would cope with someone else helping him bathe but right now the thought of being left alone to deal with this was too much. Honestly, he wasn't sure he trusted himself if left to his own devices. The shivering in his limbs increased as Finn helped him strip out of his filthy clothes. Finn didn't ask about it, though he did cock an eyebrow in query. With an audible tremor to his voice Poe did his best to explain. </p><p>"H-he washed me. Its... Showering has been difficult."</p><p>"You take so many though..."</p><p>"Yeah." Poe can't bit back a bitter laugh. "Trying to feel clean I guess."</p><p>"Did he... Y'know sometimes there would be an officer or someone who could get a bit... Kriff. You know what I'm trying to ask, right?"</p><p>"Yeah. I... Yeah."</p><p>Finn was extra gentle as he shifted Poe under the hot water. Just like Terex had been. </p><p>"Please. Finn... I... He... Don't be so careful with me."</p><p>It was easier after that. Finn wasn't rough with him but he was firm, methodical. Like Kalonia had been when they first arrived back at base. It helped. </p><p>After that things took a turn. For the better if you asked Finn - Poe was reserving judgement. In the nicest way Finn bullied him into letting Kalonia check him out again. The results were hardly unexpected. Poe was grounded, ordered to take a break for a few weeks. She also prescribed some nutritional supplements which immediately proved necessary. If Poe had been struggling to eat before that was nothing to now. Since admitting to Finn that there had been a sexual element to his stay with Terex Poe couldn't tolerate anything thicker than water in his mouth. </p><p>His nightmares also got worse and now that he couldn't use work to distract him the days no longer served as a mostly safe haven from his thoughts. Yeah, Poe was struggling to see any of this in a positive light. Yet he was talking more. Just to Finn at first. Odd comments, short answers to hesitant questions. Slowly and carefully sharing one thing at a time, waiting to see what reaction he would get. Sorrow. Anger - though never at him. Not disgust. Not pity. Not contempt. </p><p>Late one night, when he had already worn himself out crying angrily at Finn he rested against his shoulder. </p><p>"Do you think I'm weak Finn?"</p><p>"No. Poe! Never. You're the strongest man I know."</p><p>"I do. He does. He said... He thought it would take longer. To break me."</p><p>"You're not broken."</p><p>"I think I disappointed him."</p><p>"Good."</p><p>"Good? He thought it would take a month to destroy me and I..."</p><p>"He didn't destroy you Poe. He tortured you. You did what you needed to survive and get back to us."</p><p>"Yeah? Ren tortured me. He took what I would never have given. I never thought I could sink lower than that but I never begged him to do it. Not like I did..."</p><p>"You survived Poe. I don't care what you had to do to survive. Neither does anyone else. Why do you?"</p><p>He can't explain. Not whilst he can still remember how desperate he had been. How he had used every single trick gained through years of joyful experimenting to try and bring his nemesis off. How he'd failed and instead it was Terex who brought himself off, using Poe's mouth whilst he gloated. The sense of failure and shame curdled on his tongue, leaving a bitter taste. The taste of Terex' cum. How could he explain that it wasn't just the fact he had broken - no matter how Finn denied it - that got to him? No. It wasn't just that. It was the way he felt ashamed for disappointing Terex, letting him down. Not being more of a challenge. It was the way that at night he sometimes longed to feel a hand in his hair. Or that he still felt more comfortable on his knees than he did standing in front of someone. </p><p>He tried to share some of this with Finn but he always choked on the words. They wouldn't come. Then there were the even more secret shames. The things he hadn't even tried to tell Finn. The mornings where he woke to a soaked bed and Finn tried to comfort him, when he couldn't bring himself to explain that he'd peed himself on purpose and he had no idea why. The time he got hard when Finn was helping him shower one day and felt sick when he realised it wasn't the presence of the man he had been attracted too since their madcap escape in a TIE fighter. No, it was the memory of Terex' stroking him to completion that stirred his cock. </p><p>There was something desperately wrong with him and much as he wanted to he just couldn't let Finn know it. He wouldn't understand. No one would. How could they when he didn't understand it himself?</p><p>Returning to work - light duties only - helped. When he could wear himself out working during the day there was a greater chance he would be the right kind of tired to actually rest during the night. Exhausted and overwrought was a bad combination, dragging him back into the muddled headspace Terex had kept him in. That's when he indulged in the shameful behaviours he didn't know how to make sense of. Only slightly weary and he tossed and turned, restless and anxious and prone to nightmares if he did sleep. So instead he aimed for somewhere in between the two. After the first few times he couldn't quite hide a flinch when Finn called him General they adopted an even more casual workplace environment outside of formal situations, where Poe was too focussed to notice. That helped too. </p><p>So it went on. Goods day and bad, peaks and troughs. Everyone involved with his care reassuring him that he was recovering from his ordeal even if he couldn't see it whilst he just felt like he was falling apart, the cracks Terex had left him with shattering wide open yet somehow obscured from view. Hidden. </p><p>It had to come crashing down eventually and so it did. </p><p>It had been a bad week. Sleep had been infrequent and full of horrors. He'd eaten so little Finn was starting to get that pinched look again, worried frown a near permanent feature. Poe hated it. He really did. It wasn't like his life had been devoid of suffering up until now. Sure there had been a lot of good, a lot of things denied or taken from others over the course of two wars. He'd had loving parents, a career worth taking notice of and best friends anyone could wish for. Still he had gone through his own troubles. Losing his mother. Losing Muran. A loss of faith in the New Republic which he had once believed in so strongly. Torture at the hands of Ren. The shame and guilt of his mutiny and the losses he could never absolve himself of. Losing Leia who had been not only a mentor, a her but also a much beloved friend. Family in every way that counted. Yet this? This was the thing he couldn't seem to get past. </p><p>Once more sleep eluded him, his focus was shot. The world was fuzzy around the edges and nothing felt right. It was one of the nights he had abandoned the bed for the floor. Found himself begging the empty air for sleep, rest, quiet. Something. There was no peace for him to find though. Time lost all meaning as he curled up tight and small on the floor, shaking, pressing his own hand hard across his mouth to muffle the screams he couldn't stop. </p><p>Footsteps. Then a pair of boots coming to a stop by his head.</p><p>"Poe?"</p><p>The voice barely registered. All that mattered was that sleep could stop him falling apart and in his current state he had a hazy recollection of how that might be achieved. So he pressed his face against those boots, pressed lips and a too dry tongue to them pleading without words. </p><p>"Poe, no. Stop that. Come on, come here. You don't need to do that."</p><p>Hands took hold of him, pulled him away from his task and held him tightly as he struggled. </p><p>"I can make it good, please. Please. Let me. I need to sleep. I need to sleep."</p><p>Finn held him whilst he wept, confessing details he wouldn't later remember. Things he was too lost to keep to himself. Finn listened and sometimes he took Poe's hands, firmly but kindly removing them from places they shouldn't have strayed. He rocked Poe in his arms and just sat with him until the storm finally passed leaving a passive, shivery pilot lax against him. </p><p>"Do you know where you are?"</p><p>"Finn?"</p><p>"Yeah, its me. I've got you."</p><p>"Kriff. I'm s-sorry. I..."</p><p>"I'm sorry Poe. I had no idea things were this bad still."</p><p>They talked then, until Poe's throat fell hoarse. It wasn't a comfortable conversation then. Finn pushed as far as it felt safe too and Poe spoke what he could. Not everything but more than he had shared until now. Poe waited for Finn to withdraw, to push him away. For the sheer revulsion he felt with himself to take hold of his dearest companion. It never did. </p><p>"You need to talk to someone Poe. Someone who isn't me but I'm here OK? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. There is nothing you could do that would drive me away. But you need help I can't give you. I can't make you stop punishing yourself, much as I wish I could."</p><p>The sun was rising and the base was noisily waking up in the background when Poe finally fell asleep, still held in Finn's arms. He stirred when he felt himself lifted into the bed, tucked in tightly. Stilled again when he felt a soft kiss against his forehead, a warm weight settling by his side. It should have recalled that last night with Terex. It did. But it felt different, better. Not all the way better - not yet and maybe never - but for the first time since he fell to his knees before his enemy hope began to rise in him once more.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>